For days, the 49ers and Ravens have been peppered with questions about allegations of illegal substances, the sexual preferences of the 49er squad - lots of questions, some even focused on Sunday’s game. It brought to mind an earlier Crane's Corner which we found in the vault this morning.
The Mountain Lions are owned by one Paul Pelosi, husband of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. The thought occurred that the team would be in much worse shape if Nancy Pelosi ran things the way she tries to run the federal government.
First, the Mountain Lions wouldn’t be the Mountain Lions at all. How can you name a team after an endangered species that deserves special protection? No matter how many cougars you see prowling the bars of midtown or Folsom, loading up on Rombauer chardonnay before pounding on 20-something males, there really aren’t that many of the cats in Northern California, so the name is out. Perhaps the Sacramento speakers might be a better choice.
Of course under Mrs. Pelosi, the season scheduled to begin in mid September could be years away. From Sacramento to Las Vegas, Florida to Hartford, an environmental impact statement would have to be filed. A federal task force would note that thousands of people will flock to these games, clogging roads and smogging up the air. The carbon footprint would be enormous. Night games would be nixed, rather than squander the electricity needed to illuminate a stadium for 3 hours. Tailgating would severely curtail, as the only vehicles allowed to be used would be electric cars, with a minimum mpg of 40 city and 56 highway.
The speaker’s husband did a fine thing in selecting a minority coach in Dennis Green, an African American. No problem there. The rest of the roster is a little problematic. There are no women on the team. No disabled Americans. No known gay, lesbian, or transgendered players. Easily fixed. The Mountain Lions would be the only team in the league to have a blind wide receiver, a one legged kicker, and two modest sized women starting at defensive tackles. The right corner runs the 40-yard dash in about 20 minutes, but he’s 79-years-old, and federal law prohibits age and speed discrimination.
The good news is at running back. Both the tail back and full back are women. Any opposing player trying to tackle them would be guilty of sexual harassment and subject to suspension or termination. So look for a lot of running touchdowns from Sacramento. The team will need a lot of work on the locker rooms. Male and female players will need separate accommodations, as will the transgender linebacker. It’s probably for his or her own good. The playbook will of course have to be written in Braille, and to accommodate the hearing impaired tight end, the quarterback will have to shout out the snap count and use sign language.
The team will be encouraged to recruit players from all faiths, and it’s a 15 yard penalty for tugging on a birka. There will be no games played during Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur or Ramadan. The team will of course be fully unionized, with a pension plan, with breaks after every quarter and a one hour break lunch at halftime. And if Dennis Green needs a good Mexican kicker at midseason, that’s no problem, he can be called up from Arizona, as long as he brings his papers. Any fraternization between players and cheerleaders is frowned upon, but in the sad event a pregnancy occurs, the cheerleader’s abortion would be federally funded up to 24 weeks.
The Sacramento team will use plastic footballs, since the government can’t verify that pigskin used in the regular footballs was obtained from a humanely slaughtered animal. And in deference to the First Lady’s new dietary goals, there will be no hot dogs, soft drinks, beer, burgers, or nachos served at the concession stands. Water will be available on tap, for those bringing their own re-usable containers, and fans can dine on a variety of sliced apples, raw nuts, and yogurt.
And you thought things were bad under Al Davis.